Dear woman who leaves her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store,

The hell is the matter with you? How is anybody else supposed to get down the aisle with you basically blocking the whole thing? You're almost as bad as people who don't walk on the right side of the aisle, almost. The sheer audacity of blocking an entire aisle because you don't know how to move your shit to the side is infuriating. Are you the queen of the world? I think not. If you were I would have heard about it, but at the moment the only thing you seem to be the queen of is sucking.

I don't understand it really, what is so hard about moving your shopping cart to the side? It's like you thoroughly believe this is your world and we're just living in it. You're the type of person who will drive in the middle of the road when it's clearly two lanes, simply because you can't make a decision, so everybody should wait while you do. 

There's only one solution to this problem, if I find you in the grocery store again it's going to be my duty to tip over your shopping cart. Everything will spill out and you'll get bent out of shape, but I'll hold my ground that there clearly wasn't enough room for other shoppers. There had to be a savior for everybody else who hates confrontations, and today that savior is me. I'm sorry your stuff is everywhere, but things had to be set right in the world.

Sincerely, 

The guy taking your things out of your shopping cart and throwing them when you're not looking

Posted by Atkins under Letter to the Public

Dear woman who can't control her child,

I know it may not have been your first choice in life to raise a child, I can see it in your eyes. You got knocked up when you were 16 by a guy you thought was a good person but turned out to be a convicted felon. Who knew that you shouldn't always trust a guy with tattoos on his face, I guess your mother was right. Maybe instead of ignoring her advice you shouldn't introduce yourself to men already lying on your back with your ankles pinned behind your ears, but this isn't about you. This is about your terrible child who I've thought about throwing through a window because of his antics.

I can understand that you want to do things like shoot up instead of going grocery shopping to feed the monster you've created, but I like my trip to the grocery store to be pleasant. I didn't go because I wanted a three-year-old to grab stuff out of my basket and throw it on the floor like an asshole, that's how you get beat up. One more item and he would have been told the new truth about Santa; that Santa knocked his mother up for being a bad girl one year and now dealing with him day in and day out is killer her inside. I don't care if he's three and that's a terrible thing to say, he's getting on my nerves and I will not have my Saturday afternoon ruined.

You should be happy that I haven't sucker punched him when nobody was looking. People say you shouldn't punish your child physically, so I guess it's a good thing he's not my child. I have no qualms about punching a child as hard as I can because he's an asshole, he clearly has it coming. But I suppose the blame for his behavior doesn't lie with him, it lies with you. Get your kid's act together or I'm simply going to run up and drop kick you in your ovaries. It's the best way to stop you from procreating again because you clearly can't handle the child you've already made.

Sincerely,

The guy arguing with a toddler in aisle 9

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear woman who's complaining about her weight,

I can understand wanting to lose weight so I'll stop making jokes at your expense directly to your face, but openly complaining about it in public isn't helping you. Yes we can all see the rolls on your stomach that you're pointing out and yes you have cankles, but the only person that you can blame for that is yourself. Unless you have a condition that causes you to put on weight, you are the orchestrator of your horrible body.

Judging by your inability to see your toes I'm assuming you don't know the first thing about weight loss. Here's a little advice, the fastest and most efficient way to lose weight is to stop stuffing your face with food, you cow. I don't spend most of my time eating vegetables and chicken because I like them so much, I do it because I don't want to look like you. Add in a little gym time and I'm sure you'll notice a difference almost immediately. Obviously you're not going to get down to the weight you want overnight, these things take time, but at least you would be doing something about it.

If I hear you complaining about losing weight again I'm simply going to cut off one of your limbs. You wanted to lose weight, I plan on giving you the ultimate in weight loss. Not only would you lose what looks to be about 50 pounds, but it could probably feed a family of four for a week. I would be helping everybody out at once, like Jesus.

Sincerely,

The guy tossing healthy diets into your purse

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear sir who's reading over my shoulder,

I'm not sure if you have nothing better to do or if you simply think that I'm reading the most interesting things the internet has ever offered to anybody, but please for the love of God stop reading over my shoulder. Seriously, cut that shit out. I would love to say that I'm intellectual and am reading into the complexity of the human experience but sadly I'm not, I'm looking at memes and chuckling to myself like an idiot.

Now I don't like to toot my own horn, but I do have the ability to find the funniest shit the second it hits the internet, otherwise I wouldn't be able to run a website that solely focuses on making people laugh. There's no need to fear though, just because you can't keep up with everything new on the internet doesn't mean you won't eventually see it. It will show up on Facebook at some point and you can laugh with your friends about it. Obviously I'll look down on you because I saw that shit weeks ago but you won't know the difference because ignorance is bliss.

If you don't stop, the easiest way to remedy this situation is to yell you should stop whispering into my ear about how I don't want to say dirty things to my sister. That should make it plenty awkward enough for everyone in the general vicinity that the only thing anybody will be able to focus on is why you're such a pervert. People have to go therapy for public encounters like that, so back up a tad and stop staring over my shoulder like the creepiest person on the planet.

Sincerely, 

The guy who can see you in the reflection of his laptop screen

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear woman who's driving slow in the passing lane,

As you may have noticed, I used the term passing lane instead of the left lane. There's a reason I did this, because that's what the far left lane is, it's to pass others. If you're not passing anybody you shouldn't be driving in it, yet you feel the need to drive five miles per hour under the speed limit in it. My guess is that you're just oblivious to everything around you, but I feel as though you might be doing this because you actually hate me for some reason.

The left lane wasn't made the passing lane because somebody just came up with that idea one day, it's because in most areas it's illegal to pass on the right. This way nobody's surprised as to where faster traffic will be, it will always be on the left, but you're single-handedly fucking up this whole system.

The only option here is to simply run you off the road, not just because I'm angry but because you're creating a hazard and need to be disposed of. This is for the good of everybody, I'm saving lives by taking you off the road. Sure your car might flip violently into a ravine and explode like they always seem to do in the movies, but that's a risk that I'm willing to take. I highly doubt that anybody will be missing you anyway.

Sincerely,

The guy trying to pass you on the shoulder

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear guy who's eating with his mouth open,

I know you have probably heard this before several times in your lifetime but were you raised in a barn? I've always been baffled by people who have a lack of etiquette but you trump them in ways that's hard to even describe. The fact that I didn't even notice you chewing with your mouth open but instead heard you smacking your lips together like some kind of barnyard animal should be proof enough that you are a horrendous human being who doesn't deserve to eat in public.

It's not a terribly difficult concept to simply close your mouth when you're eating, that's literally the only step to it. If you want to make it a little bit more intricate you can break it down into putting the food into your mouth first, closing your mouth, then chewing. It's all well and good as long as at some point you close your damn mouth.

A lesson will need to be taught here because people who have no table manners usually don't learn quickly. Therefore, if you chew with your mouth open again I'm going to tackle you to the ground and super glue your lips shut so you can't open it ever again. It's the only way you'll learn. Sure, you might have some trouble getting your lips apart to continue eating but I don't care about that, I just need you to understand that chewing with your mouth open makes me hate you in my soul. I'm also sure that everybody else in the restaurant will applaud me for teaching a valuable lesson to a neanderthal.

Sincerely,

The guy grinding his teeth simply from hearing you chew

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear guy who was trying desperately merge ahead of me,

I had to head into work an hour early today and my drive was much more enjoyable than normal. The sun was shining, there wasn't as much traffic, but then you came into my life and took a shit all over everything. I wrote about the hilarity of road rage yesterday as a car wouldn't let a SUV merge but never thought that would ever happen to me, normal people aren't such assholes. Today you proved me wrong and ruined my morning.

I had always assumed that merging traffic should behave like a zipper, every other car merges into traffic. You decided that this just wasn't for you and tried your hardest to destroy the natural laws of the universe by trying to get ahead of me when I clearly had the advantage, even when your lane was the one that was ending. Had I noticed your douchebaggery before you got to a spot where you might have been able to contest me I would have put a stop to your antics far in advance, but somehow you got up next to me. I'm not one to give in to assholes so you almost running into my fender is of your own doing.

This sort of behavior is not something I'm willing to allow, and even though police would tell me not to take matters into my own hand I feel that I would need to. Therefore if you're ever anywhere on my morning commute and you try this shit again I'm going to just hit you. Signs clearly indicate that lanes are supposed to merge, leaving me with right-of-way, and the impact would be from your front bumper on my fender, damage would indicate that you hit me like an idiot. What do I care, I'm in a Scion Tc and your'e in a BMW 528i, who has more to lose? Then when you get out of your car to yell at me (because that behavior is par for the course of somebody who drives a BMW like an asshole) I'm going to take a can opener to your car. That's right, I said a can opener. Then and only then will I feel you've learned your lesson.

Sincerely,

The only person on a planet with a can opener in their car

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear woman who's standing unbearably close to me in line,

I know you're probably in a rush to get wherever it is you're going, we all are, but you're invading my personal space and I don't know if you realize it. At first I thought you were standing close to me because I smell so good but it didn't take me long to realize that you simply have no patience. I'm not a germaphobe but I'm not a fan of you standing this close to me, so please back the fuck up.

I'm not really sure where the thought process to stand within inches of me comes from but it's not going to get us anywhere quicker. I have no control over the line, it moves at its own pace, and making me uncomfortable won't help you. I require a personal bubble of a foot and a half to remain sane, so you invading that is going to cause me to implode. Yes I will make a scene, nobody will like it, and the air will be so heavy with pure awkward that you'll wish a guy would punch his girlfriend to break the tension.

I had to think about what I will do if this happens again and the only thing I could think up was to turn around and start urinating to mark my personal bubble. If it happens to hit you I'm not sorry, take a step back and you'll be perfectly fine. Nobody likes to be pissed on so this is the only nonviolent way I could think to resolve this situation.

Sincerely,

The guy unzipping his pants in line

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear guy who's talking on his phone while sitting next to me on the bus,

I know you're probably an important businessman, I can tell because of the suit that you're wearing. My first thought is wondering why, if you're so important, you're on the bus instead of in a Mercedes but I'll keep those thoughts to myself lest I anger you into telling me how much better you are as a person than I am. I would like to think of myself as an important person as well, but as an important person I think it's a responsibility to lead by example and not act like a douchebag in public.

I can understand that you probably have important business matters to discuss with whoever the hell it is you're talking to on the other end of this conversation but I'm 100 percent sure it can wait. Your use of business buzzwords like "synergize" and "freemium" make me completely aware you have no idea what you're talking about anyway, so I'm positive that whoever is buying your load of shit will understand when I take your phone and shove it down your throat.

I can't handle people like you so I'm not really sure what I'll do to you if you feel the need to talk on the phone in such close proximity to others again. Maybe I'll smash your phone into your eyes, maybe I'll throw you out of the bus while it's moving, I'm not sure yet. Whatever it is it's going to be horrific, and everybody will thank me for it.

Sincerely,

The guy taking things out of your briefcase because you're not paying attention

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public

Dear couple who's fighting in public,

I can understand that you two might be having a problem that needs to be worked out but having a screaming match at the grocery store is killing my mood. I honestly don't care that he wants wheat bread and you want white, why the fuck are you even arguing about that in the first place? Wheat bread is healthier so just go with that, it's not like the minor difference in taste is going to ruin your day. Now you're arguing about why store brand jelly is just as good as Smucker's? How about I sucker punch you and you can argue about why you deserved it?

There is a certain level of class and sophistication that everybody should have so that they don't look like trailer park trash in public, and not arguing in public is part of that. Nobody wants to hear you bicker about every little thing that seems to be bothering you at any given moment, it makes everybody want to castrate you. Instead of acting like a couple of prepubescent douchebags you could act like adults and wait until you got home to go at each other.

Something needs to be done about this so that I don't have to deal with people like you in public ever again. If you can't keep yourselves calm and controlled while out in public I'm going to shoot both of you in the genitals with a pellet gun. It will do two things: release my anger and take away your ability to procreate all at the same time. I would be doing the entire planet a favor.

Sincerely,

The guy aiming his Red Ryder down the aisle at your crotch

Posted by Atkins under Letters to the Public