When is something like this ever not funny?
When I was younger I liked to play pranks on anybody I would come across. God help you if you ever left yourself logged in on Myspace around me, your profile would have dicks plastered across it before you could even blink. Those kinds of shenanigans aren't allowed anymore though. A 14-year-old New York high school student was arrested after he swapped out another student's Facebook profile picture with a penis instead. He was charged with unauthorized use of a computer and ordered to appear in family court on October 17. This is a bit much for putting a picture of a penis on somebody else's Facebook don't you think? Sure, nobody wants to get home, log onto Facebook, and see a massive dong where there face used to be only hours ago, but everybody can have a laugh and life goes on. The story doesn't say how the 14-year-old got into the other student's account, but I'm assuming it's because they left their profile open. There's a valuable lesson to be learned through all of this, don't leave your profile open. That will lead to dicks popping up on your Facebook 90 percent of the time. A lesson in identity theft is always a good one. TL;DR A teen is arrested for swapping another student's Facebook image with a penis. Teen arrested for Facebook image prank [USA Today] Posted by Atkins under News
You can almost tell by the way the bully dresses and his physical build that he's a tool.
In Brunswick, Maryland, reporter Katie Kyros of You4State was trying to interview 15-year-old Preston Deener about bullying. I'm assuming it was going to be about how tough of a life he had due to bullies beating the crap out of him at every given moment. Just when she was about to interview Deener, a bully came up and started hitting him, most of which was recorded. Deener even had to run across a busy road to get away from his bullies. He also said that he ran from his bullies instead of fighting back because he was suspended for three days the last time he defended himself. I guess we just play the waiting game until young Preston Deener shoots up his school. Too soon you say? That's what happens when you don't let a kid defend himself against bullies. I've never even understood why one kid gets bullied over another, I think it's because of what I like to call the "insanity factor." Nobody ever picked on me in high school because I'm sure they were afraid that if they did, they would come home to me eating their dog. Kids don't pick on other kids who may or may not kill their pets. Could have been that, could have been because I was bigger than almost everyone else, I don't know. I do know that if you don't want to get bullied you hit the gym and display some psychotic tendencies, then people are afraid of you and leave you alone. TL;DR A 15-year-old student is bullied as he's about to do an interview for a local news station about bullying. News crew captures high school student being bullied as they interview him... about bullying [DailyMail] Posted by Atkins under News
For some reason I thought 17 grams would look like more than that.
Nicole Denzer was driving at 5 a.m. when an officer witnessed her drive over the median. She was stopped and arrested after the cop found drugs in her car. When she was brought back to the county jail a drug-sniffing dog smelled something on her, coming particularly from her crotch. That was when Denzer admitted to hiding drugs in her vagina; 17 grams of methamphetamine and a pipe to be exact. Now she faces up to 25 years in prison and $500,000 in fines for possession of a controlled substance with an additional year and $3,000 in fines for introducing drug contraband into a jail. I've never had to try to hide drugs from cops because I'm not a degenerate, but how exactly did Denzer think this was going to end? She should feel lucky that the plastic bag didn't tear and she got a straight dose of 17 grams of meth. I'm not even sure if the body can absorb it that way, but if butt chugging is possible, I'm sure that is too. That would immediately make a bad night go from bad to worse, or awesome depending on your point of view. My only question is why wasn't a lighter up there? How are you supposed to smoke your meth without a lighter? Amateur move if you ask me. TL;DR A woman brings 17 grams of meth into jail using her vagina. Nicole Denzer of Circle Pines, 23, used her vagina to smuggle meth into jail [The Blotter] Posted by Atkins under News
 How could you ever have too many of these things? With the economy still recovering from a recession and the country in massive amounts of debt, there is a need to cut spending across the board in many areas. At least you would think there would be a need, especially when the U.S. Army is telling Congress that it has enough combat tanks for the defense of the country but Congress for some reason doesn't care. Military officials have informed Congress that they don't need any more tanks to be produced for three years which could save taxpayers $3 billion. Congress doesn't want to stop making the tanks because they believe it will hurt the industrial economy. The companies that create the tanks employ 16,000 people, not including other positions that would be affected by a cutback such as businesses that rely on the suppliers' employees. In all of the strategy video games I've played throughout my life, this circumstance was never a problem. Maybe somebody should come up with a simulation for this. It's easy to say we don't need any more tanks without thinking of the thousands of people who would immediately be out of a job. I guess the only solution is to become the evil country and start invading other countries. Some would say go after Canada but there's nothing up there I would want. I think we should invade anywhere with sandy beaches and tropical drinks. Then we would have a need for tanks, everybody could keep their jobs, and I wouldn't need a passport to take a vacation. TL;DR The Army has enough combat tanks to keep the U.S. safe but Congress wants to make more so as not to harm the industrial economy. Army to Congress: Thanks, but no tanks [CNN] Posted by Atkins under News | | Like us on Facebook for funny pictures every day! |
Police don't realize that they're actually dealing with a genius.
Bank tellers thought it was a joke when 50-year-old Jeffrey McMullen walked into a Pennsylvania bank and demanded one dollar. He handed the tellers a note informing them that they were being robbed, and when they thought he was joking he had reiterate that he was indeed robbing them of one dollar. McMullen's goal was for the police to come, get arrested, and be sent to a federal prison. Nobody's really sure why McMullen wanted to be sent to prison, but he now awaits a preliminary hearing to see what will be done with him. I already know why McMullen did this, it shouldn't be that hard to see. He obviously ran out of money, can't afford to live in his house anymore and needs shelter. Winter is coming and it's supposed to be a bad one this time around, you don't want to be caught out in the cold when you could be in a warm prison cell with all the anal rape you can handle. To be honest I'm not sure why more people don't do this so they're not homeless. McMullen didn't go about it the right way though, he'll probably end up with a few years; what you want to do is commit a crime to get you about six months in prison. Then you can escape the winter and be back out on the street in the summer, traveling to beaches and playing in the sand. Sounds like a better life than mine. TL;DR A man tried to rob a bank of $1 so that he would be prosecuted and sent to a federal prison. Police: Man tries to rob bank of $1 in prison bid [Yahoo!] Posted by Atkins under News
If I had some extra money this would be the first place I would go.
Europe is a much different place than here in the U.S. which might explain why when two 14-year-old boys from Germany stole €3,000 worth of jewelry from one of their mothers, they didn't spend it on things like video games and beer. Nope, the two boys (who only received €300 for the jewelry) went to a brothel instead. Police said that the boys were still grinning even when they were being questioned. They're going to be charged with theft and will have to pay for the jewelry out of their own pockets. Obviously they were still grinning during questioning, they used money they stole for sex. That beats robbing your parents and smoking crack in an alley with a homeless guy 10 times out of 10. I suppose their parents could breathe a small sigh of relief that instead of shooting up they may have only contracted a STD. That's not even the end of the world for most people, they just take some antibiotics and pretend like it never even happened. Maybe if we had brothels in the U.S., drug use would drop dramatically. I have no statistics to back that up, but I think it's a fairly safe assumption. TL;DR Two German boys steal their mother's jewelry and use the money to take a trip to a brothel. Boy, 14, sells mother's jewels for brothel visit [The Local] Posted by Atkins under News
 She looks exactly like the type of person I would expect to tattoo their daughter. A 30-year-old North Carolina mother was arrested after she gave her 11-year-old daughter a heart tattoo near the girl's shoulder. The mother, Odessa Clay, said that she only did it because her daughter wanted it, because 11 year olds are fantastic at making wise decisions. Clay thought that it was legal for anybody to get a tattoo, regardless of age, as long as they had parental consent. Unfortunately for Clay the law is that nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to receive a tattoo, my guess is because of the immaturity level. This is what happens when you're friends with your child instead of being their parent. They ask you for a tattoo and you comply, because why not? You just want to make them happy. That's not what my parents did and it won't be the way I raise my children. I asked my dad for a tattoo once and he slapped me through the wall. Needless to say, I learned my lesson. I'm not 100 percent sure if good parenting entails hitting your kids straight through sheet rock, but it's definitely better than my parents letting me tattoo something permanent to my body at an age when I'm fairly sure I was into Pokémon. TL;DR A mother tattoos a heart onto her 11-year-old daughter and is arrested. Mom Arrested After Giving Her 11-year-old a Tattoo [Yahoo!] Posted by Atkins under News | | Like us on Facebook for funny pictures every day! |
PETA's video game seems more violent than any Pokémon game I've ever played.
PETA has a problem with almost anything that has to do with animals and now they've taken up a fight against Pokémon Black and White 2 for depicting animal cruelty in the Pokémon universe. Whether it's stuffing a Pokémon into a Pokéball and leaving it there all day or having them beat the crap out of each other, PETA doesn't like any of it. They've even created a spoof video game on their website called Pokémon Black & Blue: Gotta Free 'Em All, in which the premise of the game is for Pokémon to escape their trainers with group hugs and protests. I hate PETA to my core, I really do. Not because they think that animals should be treated fairly, but because they try to ruin things like video games for everybody else on their crusade to being douchebags. They think that having animals fight in a fantasy world that isn't even real is somehow cruel to animals? That makes perfect sense to me. As a solution I would like to create a video game where I throw PETA members into a pit and go at them with a wood chipper. Technically I wouldn't be hurting animals so it should be perfectly fine for everybody to play. TL;DR PETA attacks Pokémon Black and White 2 for being cruel to animals even though none of the animals are real. PETA wages war on Pokemon for virtual animal cruelty [CNET] Posted by Atkins under News
She doesn't look like she's there to learn.
Cornell is caught in the middle of a scandal after a girl created an amateur sex tape in one of the libraries on campus. The video was then posted to a college message board and sent around to whomever wanted to see it (not me apparently). Everybody who has seen the video has tried to identify the girl, some believe her to be amateur model Cameron Knight, but Cornell believes that she doesn't attend the university. The girl in the 43-minute long video is depicted performing a solo sex act (I'm trying to be as professional as possible with this) in the middle of the day. I'm guessing that the quality of the video isn't very good as it was shot on a cell phone. Why hasn't anybody emailed this video to me yet with the subject "you might find this interesting." No I'm not a pervert, this is for the news. It's not every day that a girl pleasures herself in an Ivy League library in the middle of the day. I was under the impression that nobody from Cornell even had sex, although I don't know a thing about Ivy League schools. When I think Ivy League I think the most socially awkward people you can fit in one place at a time. That's not me being mean, that's just my observations. Just like when I think state school, I think felons. I went to a state school and live next to Harvard and MIT, these are all accurate depictions. TL;DR A girl pleasures herself in a Cornell library dragging the school into a porn scandal. Top American university in library porn storm [The Sun] Posted by Atkins under News
The man is accused of assaulting his wife with a sandwich, not to be confused with assaulting a sandwich.
There are many weapons you can use to assault a person with, but one of my tried and true favorites is a sandwich. First is was the woman in Québec assaulting a man with a sandwich for speaking English, now it's a drunk husband who takes arguments to the next level. Larry Spurling pleaded no contest in Nebraska to disturbing the peace during an altercation that got physical with his wife. After Spurling became drunk off of "Natty Daddys," a beer I was sure only college kids drank, he started arguing with his wife about how she made him move to the country and now he's bored. She made herself a sandwich and tried to get away from him but before she knew it Spurling was smearing her tasty snack directly into her eyes. I would love to say that you shouldn't be allowed to get in trouble for a food fight but not when a man pins down a woman and attacks her with a sandwich. Every man should know by now that if you're going to get into a fight with your wife you have to throw the sandwich, you can't use the force of your hand behind it, that's what gets you sent to jail. Hopefully nobody takes my advice as this is all satirical and I would hate to receive a summons needing to defend myself because some guy took this seriously, was upset at his wife for making the bed with hospital corners, and started pelting her with food. I understand the frustration, it looks nice, but nobody wants to sleep in a bed with that much restriction on their legs. It doesn't mean you can start a battle with your wife involving food though, unless she signs a waiver first. TL;DR A man assaults his wife with a sandwich because she sucked all of the fun out of his life, which I assume he didn't realize happens when you get married. Nebraska newlywed Larry Spurling accused of assaulting his wife with a sandwich [NY Daily News] Posted by Atkins under News
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