There are many weapons you can use to assault a person with, but one of my tried and true favorites is a sandwich. First is was the woman in Québec assaulting a man with a sandwich for speaking English, now it's a drunk husband who takes arguments to the next level.

Larry Spurling pleaded no contest in Nebraska to disturbing the peace during an altercation that got physical with his wife. After Spurling became drunk off of "Natty Daddys," a beer I was sure only college kids drank, he started arguing with his wife about how she made him move to the country and now he's bored. She made herself a sandwich and tried to get away from him but before she knew it Spurling was smearing her tasty snack directly into her eyes.

I would love to say that you shouldn't be allowed to get in trouble for a food fight but not when a man pins down a woman and attacks her with a sandwich. Every man should know by now that if you're going to get into a fight with your wife you have to throw the sandwich, you can't use the force of your hand behind it, that's what gets you sent to jail. Hopefully nobody takes my advice as this is all satirical and I would hate to receive a summons needing to defend myself because some guy took this seriously, was upset at his wife for making the bed with hospital corners, and started pelting her with food. I understand the frustration, it looks nice, but nobody wants to sleep in a bed with that much restriction on their legs. It doesn't mean you can start a battle with your wife involving food though, unless she signs a waiver first.

TL;DR A man assaults his wife with a sandwich because she sucked all of the fun out of his life, which I assume he didn't realize happens when you get married.

Nebraska newlywed Larry Spurling accused of assaulting his wife with a sandwich [NY Daily News]

Posted by Atkins under News