6 Reasons You Should Hate Your Cat
By Atkins - December 19, 2010
We've all known deep down inside that cats are evil on the inside. Just take a glance at our house's cat in that picture up there. The goddamn devil. As I'm typing this, she's sitting at the top of the stairs staring at me writing. Surely planning something devious like tying my shoelaces together so I look foolish (what is this the 5th grade?).
The true nature of all cats.
Little does everybody know, there are pretty clear cut reasons why cats have such behavioral issues. And they're all wicked.
They Cry to Mimic Your Baby
Of course everybody wants to take care of their little spawn of Satan because they think that cats make good pets. But cats have a way to trick humans into taking care of them without thinking about it. They do this by mimicking your damn child.
Why would you run to take care of this?
Cats have found a way to have one of their types of purring to mimic the frequency of a baby crying. This way when a human hears it, they care for the cat without even thinking why. It happens as a predisposed reaction to keep your child safe from harm. Little do you know your cat is tricking you into showing it some attention.
Then she'll plot the takeover of your house.
Any Disturbance, They Go Crazy
Everybody always think that cats are just lovable creatures who love everything about their life. They sleep so cute and cuddly in a ball in a chair, yawn and stretch when they wake up and play with a little ball of yarn. That is of course unless you disturb one thing in your house that isn't to their liking.
You will be punished.
Ever wonder why your cat will start misbehaving for apparently no reason and you have no idea why? Turns out you're just not looking hard enough for the reason. Your cat will not take a liking to you changing something in the house without consulting with them first, and will immediately act out against you. Often in going to the bathroom outside their litter box.
Or by roughing up your puppy a little.
They Stalk You in Your Sleep
This shouldn't really be a surprise to anybody that cats are often awake in the middle of the night, but it doesn't make it any less evil. True, domestic cats come from a breed of African wildcat that were mostly nocturnal, but cats have been domestic long enough to be diurnal. They just stay awake to be assholes. Don't worry, it's normal.
They also change into their true form in the middle of the night.
Something else that's considered normal is when your cat goes into a fit and runs around the house in a psychotic manner. By themselves. To me that's the kind of behavior you start experiencing before you're committed to a mental hospital. Normal behavior like that isn't acceptable to me.
They also watch you while you masturbate.
Claim You as Their Personal Property
I'm pretty sure everybody loves when a cat comes up to play with you. You pet them and rub their little head, and they rub against your legs like the cutest thing you've ever seen. Little did you know, they're only rubbing against you like that to claim you as theirs.
They're about as territorial as Hitler.
Pretty much every gland on their body secretes a scent of some kind. There isn't one thing that they touch that they're not trying to takeover. They do this Napoleon type conquest in your living room every day and you think they're cute for it.
After a tiring day of disrespecting you and your family.
They Hate Your Children
You may be saying, "my cat is so good with my child". That's probably true if your child is about 6 years old. Cats hate them. They don't like a new child coming into their house and sucking up all the attention and touching all their shit. They're pretty much the equivalent of a pre-teen girl bitching about how you don't care about them anymore.
Pictured: Every girl between ages 12 and 18.
Not only do they hate your child on a conscious level, they could be the most dangerous thing you could bring anywhere near a baby. If your cat isn't a strictly indoor cat, there's the possibility that your cat may have toxoplasmosis. Not dangerous to you and your cat, it's incredibly dangerous to your child, which your cat was trying to get rid of in the first place. Toxoplasmosis can cause miscarriage, stillbirth, blindness or deafness.
Your cat is the equivalent of early Americans.
A Cat Is Waiting For You To Die
You know how much you love your cat, take care of it and always make it feel welcome? She doesn't nearly feel the same way about you. It's not unexpected for a person who lives alone to pass away without somebody noticing for quite some time. But if this person happens to live with a pet, particularly a cat, you'll see their eyes peering at you waiting for you to go.
Can you die please?
Obviously any animal who is starved will eat whatever they can to survive. This applies to pretty much any animal that is on the face of the planet. But a dog will wait several days of starvation before turning on their owner to survive. A cat? A couple of days. Best part about it? Nobody really knows why. It's clearly part of a plot to take over the world. We should all be very, very afraid.
